SYMPTON |
FAULT |
ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirtfront wet. |
Mouth not
open while drinking or Glass being applied to wrong part of face. |
Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many
pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale and
clear. |
Glass empty. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
Feet cold and wet. |
Glass held
at incorrect angle. |
Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing up towards
the ceiling. |
Feet warm and wet. |
Loss of
self-control. |
Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to its owner
about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. |
Bar blurred. |
You are
looking through the bottom of your empty glass. |
Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
Bar swaying. |
Air
turbulence unusually high, maybe due to darts match in progress. |
Insert broom handle down back off jacket. |
Bar moving. |
You are
being carried out. |
Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not complain loudly
that you are being hijacked. |
You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent light strips across it. |
You have
fallen over backwards. |
If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm stay
put. If not get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. |
Everything has gone dim, and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth. |
You have
fallen over forwards. |
As for falling over backwards. |
You have woken up to find you bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your
bedroom walls or ceiling. |
You have
spent the night in the gutter. |
Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a
lie-in. |
Everything has gone dark. |
The pub is
closing. |
PANIC!! |