Oh, that face, that trusting, innocent, beaming, chubby little face, full of admiration and love for you, his darling big sister. Hanging on your every word, eager to make you happy...

Prat.

1. Teach him to play "Bang the hamster through the star-shaped hole."
2. Say: "Let's play spacemen!" Then solvite him to the nursery ceiling.
3. Get him tattooed. Tell mum it was a bargain - half-price for kids.
4. The next time you are out shopping, explain to him that the Pic 'n' Mix counter is a specially designed toilet for little boys...
5. Say: "Hey, let's play spacemen! The dishwasher can be the space rocket and you can be Space Dog Alpha."
6. Hang him on the line to dry.
7. Say: "Mummy and Daddy are going to divorce, and you're going to have to be spilt in half."
8. Play: "Let's pretend doggie’s bottom is a tunnel for your Matchbox cars!"