THE B*****D GUIDE

TO FLAT SHARING

Ever since Homo Sapiens first shared his cave with others (and let’s face it, it’s not suprising with a name like that, is it matey boy?) One always stood out from the rest and become the leader, and in the "College Flat-sharing Environment" it's in your own interests to establish yourself in this position. Here's how:

1 Buy everyone else a can of "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Monster Get Pissed Fast Lager".

2 Immediately suggest an election.

3 Take the voting slips to the "counting house".

4 Flush them down the lavvy and declare yourself outright winner. (Don't laugh, it’s worked for Conservative Central Office twice already.)

5 Issue the following decree:

a) I hereby impose a levy of £1.47 per person to cover initial stationary and office requirements. (It is a coincidence that this is the exactly the price of a can of "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Monster Get Pissed Fast Lager.") [see Note 1]

b) It has been decided that the term "Collective living space organizer" is boring and smells of piss, and therefore the office shall be retitled:

"Generalissimo Supremo King of the Wild Frontier, Lordy Lordy his Majestyness, Doesn’t he Look Great in Jodhpurs and a Greatcoat, Oh Great Big Grey Green Greasy Gracious One, Give him a Gun somebody, he's so Get Down Funky and Sexy and Emperor of Everything and God and I bet he's got a Whopper, Master of the Lavvy, Master of the Scrolls (Ooer), Chief Lord High Priest and Whip Me if you Want to, Big Boy."

c) The word "democracy" shall be tippexed out of all books and replaced by "fatherly dictatorship", because let’s face it, it’s more like a family really, with one man taking responsibility for decisions which are more or less arrived at through consensus anyway. It’s not some sort of tinpot totalitarian regime run by some megalomaniac authoritarian sadist who’s going to stash of nudie mags to your parents when they visit.[see Note 2]

d) The following images must not be used for purposes of masturbation -

i) An 8-12-6 Great Western Locomotive

ii) Bonnie Langford

iii) Skippy the Bush Kangaroo

iv) Me [see Note 1]

e) All girls brought to the flat must be positively vetted and undergo a total body search by me. Especially one with big Wally Jumblatts.

Note 1: Except me.

Note 2: Offenders to be shown their own nudie mags then have their personal liberties and engorged squiggy bits ridden roughshod over with a lawnmower.