1 "What's
a beautiful girl like you doing sitting on the end of my nob? Oops, sorry - wishful
thinking."
2 "Look here's the deal: I buy you a Babycham and you surrender your
body to me for the night - now what could be fairer than that?"
3 "That's a really bad set of teeth you've got. Let me get you pregnant
and you'll get free dental treatment."
4 "Go
on. I'll give you a fiver."
5 "You're
really ugly and I'll be doing you a favour."
6 "Alright,
make it a tenner, but you'd better wiggle a lot."
7 "If I
said you had a beautiful body, would you swallow 10 inches?"
8 "They call me the "roadie" because I'm the one carrying the
heavy equipment." (Be careful not to say: "...because I'm the one carrying all
the amplifiers and speakers from the van into the hall where the band are going to do the
gig.")
9 "Behold and rejoice, for you are the most favoured over all women.
I'm the Angel Gabriel and I have been sent by the Lord God Almighty to do some really
serious bonking with you."
10 "Go on, please, I'm desperate. I haven't had a shag in ten years - I
mean I'm a virgin, well, technically speaking. In fact I'm a homosexual, but I think you
could convert me because you look like a man: sort of halfway house really..."
After one night you're probably
pretty board and cheesed off, and rarin' to tangle with the next steaming sex kitten in
the queue.
However, if, as usual, you were just too bloody
totally and utterly good in bed again, and Miss "Has Been" is hooked on your
moves like ... er ... well ... like a fish that's been caught by someone using a fishing
rod, and a line, with a sort of hook on the end of it, here are some ways to convey the
message that she's not welcome around your parts anymore:
Get out a felt-tipped pen and draw a line straight down her face.
Tell her you've got two tickets for the Paul Daniel’s Magic
Show.
Play charades and mime "F**k Off!"
Say "In this light you look just like Jon Pertwee."
Say "I was once a woman you know."
Ask her if she was once a man.
Show her what you just found up your nose.
When you're in the cinema together suddenly scream out: