Maternity

 

Avoid this like you would Ted Rogers' nob, because this is the one occasion where, if you're not very careful, you have to do all the work and he gets off scot-free.

SO, rule number one, AVOID PREGNANCY, by any of the following means:

 

1. Tell him you've caught "Vaginal Vipers", which are like tapeworms only with fangs.

2. Pin a huge picture of JON BON JOVI on the headboard (just be careful not to look at it yourself).

3. Accidentally castrate him while carving the Sunday joint

4. Put a video recorder in the bedroom and insist on watching video nasties like Death Blow To The Winkie every Saturday night.

5. Hide in the cupboard under the stairs until you menopause.