ATTENTION

WHAT KIND OF MARRIAGE IS YOUR'S ?

Tick which one applies to you

1. When you are reaching your sexual climax, do you?

i. Make low moaning sounds in her ear.

ii. Suck her neck giving her a love bite.

iii. Shove your f**king thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

 

2. When you're in bed at night and she whispers "I love you" do you?

i. Whisper back "I love you too".

ii. Put your arse on her leg and fart.

iii. Say, "Get to f**king sleep, dog breath".

 

3. After you've made love to your wife, do you?

i. Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.

ii. Wipe your prick on her nightie and turn over.

iii. Tell the bitch to go and get in with the kids.

 

4. If you break wind in bed at night, do you?

i. Try and cough at the same time and hope she is asleep.

ii. Hold her head under the covers laughing your b*****ks off.

iii. Blame her and give her a forearm smash.

 

5. If she breaks wind in bed, do you?

i. Be a gentleman and pretend you did not hear.

ii. Clout the bitch.

iii. Say "Give over sh*tting you dirty arsed ratbag and get the f**k out".

 

6. If she tells you she is having an unwanted baby, do you?

i. Tell her not to worry and that you will manage.

ii. Belt her in the stomach with a cricket bat.

iii. Bide your time until you can shove the c**t down the stairs.

 

7. If you come home early and find her in bed with a n***o, do you?

i. Close the door gently and pretend you didn't see her.

ii. Get up the c***s a**e and join in.

iii. Douse them both with petrol and burn the b*****ds.

 

8. You have a toilet in your bathroom, you are bursting for a crap and the wife is in the bath, do you?

i. Go next door and use theirs.

ii. Shout in "Hurry up goat face, the f**king tortoise is sticking it's head out".

iii. Sit next to her making a noise like a flock of starlings taking off.

 

9. You want sex with your wife, but it's her period week, do you?

i. Wait until she's finished.

ii. Lie on your back with your arm underneath you until goes numb, then start wanking so it feels like someone else is doing it.

iii. Get your knob in there and come out looking like one of those little men in the Ribena advert.

 

10. Your wife says she is leaving you for good, do you?

i. Break down in tears and beg her to stay.

ii. Put bunting up and arrange a street party.

iii. Empty your right nostril on her face, kick her in the c**t, then get drunk to celebrate.

 

HOW DID YOU DO?

MOSTLY i’s Your the perfect lover no need for any improvements.

MOSTLY ii’s Not bad still room for some improvements.

MOSTLY iii’s You f**king heartless b*****d what did she think when she married you? She should have said ‘ F**k You’ and married the best man. Even if he is a genetic mutant he’ll be a better lover than you will ever be.