H. M. PRISON

FOLLOWING the news that a young car thief has been sent to Portugal on holiday, tough new sentencing guide-lines have been circulated to magistrates.

The aim is to ensure consistency between courts in different parts of the country. Details of proposed sentences are as follows:-

MUGGINGS: Day trip to Brighton or Alton Towers. Magistrate will be allowed to use their discretion.

CRIMINAL DAMAGE: Two days at Euro Disney for first offenders, up to a week for those with previous convictions.

ARSON: Two weeks at either Disney World in Orlando or Disneyland in Los Angeles. Offenders sent to LA will be entitled to Club Class Travel.

BURGLARY: Ten-day break in the Seychelles, to include snorkelling and windsurfing.

AGGRAVATED BURGLARY: Two weeks in Jamaica, half-board. Offenders will be provided with spending money but will be expected to buy their own drugs.

GBH: Minimum of two weeks in Hawaii with Page Three Girl (subject to availability) followed by rehabilitation at water-sports centre in Tahiti.

MURDER: Three-in-a-bed sex session with supermodels of defendant's choice on Caribbean island to be decided by court. Condoms not included. All prisoners to be accompanied by at least three social workers, four probation officers, hairdresser, personal chef and Japanese masseuse.

In addition to the above tough sentences, the Government has also issued new sentencing guide-lines for motoring offences.

NO TAX DISC: £10,000 fine.

FAULTY BRAKE LIGHT: Fifty lashes.

SPEEDING: £5,000 fine for every one mph over the limit. Plus fifty lashes.

DRIVING IN BUS LANE: Three years in prison.

SPEEDING IN BUS LANE WITH FAULTY BRAKE LIGHT: Life Imprisonment.

DRINK DRIVING: Hanging, to include drawing and quartering.