Married couple in bed, the wife feels a bit fruity, but husband pleads a headache. A couple of minutes later the wife is poking him in the back with a broom handle. The old man asks what the hell she is doing and she says - now you know what it feels like!

Hey, Dad, my new boyfriend is ever so clever, we've only been going out together nine weeks and he's already cured that illness I used to have every month!

What do you do in case of fall-out? Put it back and use smaller strokes!

Two old maids went out shopping and entered the greengrocers they asked the price of the cucumbers. The shopkeeper said, "They are 45p each or three for a £1." They looked at each other and then one said, "Come on, Alice, we could always eat the other one."

Why do farts smell? For the benefit of the deaf!

Farmer Giles caught one of his hired hands naked and on the job with his wife. "Right," he cried, raising his shotgun, "I'm going to blow your goolies off!"

"For pity's sake, give me a chance" pleaded the man.

"All right," said the farmer, aiming his gun. "Swing 'em."

Three old ladies chatting about their love life. The first one said, "Mine is like a Rolls-Royce - smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a sports car - fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Austin Seven - it needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

A man had the bonnet of his car up as a drunk came by saying, "Wassa Marra Mate?"

The motorist was abrupt, "Piston Broke," "Bad luck, mate, sho am I."

Secretary to her boss: "Excuse me sir, but can I use your Dictaphone."

"No, use your finger like every body else."

Shaun: "Murphy, what's in the bag?"

Murphy: "Chickens"

Shaun: "Will you give me one?"

Murphy: "No!"

Shaun: "If I guess how many, will you give one of them?"

Murphy: "If you guess right I'll give you both of them."

Shaun: "Six!"

A really conceited man and a really conceited woman were making love, "Aren't I tight?" she asks. "No!" he replied. "Just full."

Doctor to Patient: "How often do you have sex?"

Patient: "Infrequently"

Doctor: "Is that one word or two?"

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and satisfies two people?

A tea bag.

Why does Tarzan wear a plastic loin cloth?

To keep his nuts jungle fresh.

Prostitutes reckon they've got the best business in the world.

You got it, You sell it, You still got it.

Driving his Porcshe into the car park of a large hotel, the commercial traveller was amazed at how many Rolls-Royces, Jaguars and Daimlers there were. What was strange was that there was hardly anyone about. In fact, when he got into the hotel, he appeared to be the only customer. When he rang the bell, the hotel owner appeared - a stunning blonde with an hour-glass figure and a forty-inch bust. As he was signing the register, he said, "I hope you won't mind my asking but who owns all those large cars outside?" "I do," she replied, "In fact I won them all off the men who have stayed here." "You see, I bet them they cannot do what my six year old nephew Jimmy can do." "But that's silly," said the Rep, "Any man can do what a kid can do." "I'll bet my hotel against your car that you can't," replied the woman. "OK. it's a bet," said the salesman. The woman called for her nephew, "right Jimmy," she said, "kiss these." and to the man's amazement, she took out her massive breasts, which the little boy started to kiss. "Now it's your turn," said the blonde to the salesman who needed no second bidding! "There, no trouble at all," he said as he burrowed his head between them. "But wait," she said, "Jimmy, now kiss this." and she dropped her lace panties before the astonished salesman. Jimmy did as requested and then the Rep was told it was his turn again, and he set about his task with all eagerness, kissing her in the most private of parts. "There I win," he exclaimed, "I told you I could do anything a little boy can do." "Not so fast," said the Blonde, "there is one more thing, Jimmy, bend your willy in half and then ask the nice gentleman for his car keys !!"

If eight out of ten men write with a ball-point pen, what do the other two do with it.

What's better and even more restful than the sleep of the just?

The sleep of the just after.

Joke for C.N.D. Supporters, Disarm today, Dat arm tomorrow.

What does a Pelican, an Ostrich and the Inland revenue have in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse.

What about the old man of ninety-two who married a girl of eighteen and was told by his doctor that if they had sex it could prove fatal, to which the old man replied, "Well, if she dies, she dies."

What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? Shake hands.

Country boy ran home to his mum and dad on the wedding night. "Why have you left her, dear?" "I found out she was a virgin."

"You did right son, if she's not good enough for the village lads, she's not good enough for you."

A chap had an operation on his throat, so to feed himself he had to mash his food up and spoon feed it into his rectum (arsehole). When he when to his doctors for his check up, he was walking like this....... The doctor asked him if he was feeling alright and if he was in any pain. To which he replied, "No! I'm chewing a toffee."

The wife and I were lying in bed last night, well she started lying first, so I thought I would tell lies as well.

A hunter went out hunting bears in the forest, and he came across a bear in a clearing, he took aim and the bear went down, he made his way through the long grass, the bear was gone!! He felt a heavy tap on his shoulder, he turned around, the great bear raised its arms and yelled "GRRRRRR." The bear then said to the hunter, "You have two choices, I can either rip you in half with one sweep of my claw, or you can drop your trousers." Oh no! he thought dropping 'em, the bear grabbed him and give him a good rodgering. He continued through the forest walking like this....... Then in another clearing he came upon another bear, took aim and the bear went down ETC. ETC. about three times, when the bear finally said, "You are not really here for the hunting are you!!"

What does a Brighton donkey have for lunch? About an hour the same as the rest of us.

A woman was walking past a pet shop when she spotted a notice in the window that read FANNY LICKING PARROT FOR SALE she thought to herself I'm having that. So she went in and asked how much it was. "Fifty pound," said the man. "I'll have it." she replied. She took it home, put it on the floor in front of a chair took off her knickers opened her legs then spoke to the parrot, "Come on then, Good boy, Good boy." The parrot just sat there "Come on then, Good boy, Good boy," The parrot just sat there "Good boy, Good boy," She said pointing at her fanny, "Come on you bugger." The parrot just sat there, She was by now pulling her fanny open, still trying to get the parrot interested, but the parrot just sat there. I've been conned she thought, and promptly took the bird back to shop and complained. "Ah," said the shop keeper "I know the problem, take of your knickers and sit in that chair." She did so, the shop keeper looked at the parrot and said to it, "Look stupid bird, I'll show you just one more time."

Did you hear about the Israeli who jumped over 40 Arabs in a steam-roller.

"Why didn't I see you at the camouflage club last week?"

"Cos I'm getting good!!"

A guy gave three girls £500 each to spend, to see which one would use the money the best, so he would be able to choose the best one to marry.

The first spent it on New Clothes and Make-Up so as to look her very best for him.

The second bought a new Hi-Fi and a New 24inch TV. for him to prove her love for him.

The third invested it very carefully and turned it into £5,000, and proved she could be shrewd enough to provide for the future.

So, Which one did he marry?

THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST TITS!!

My wife has a drink problem, last time she took a shower, she took two bottles with her.

You know why it's called Castlemaine XXXX. 'cos they couldn't spell piss.

A man found a tennis ball and picked it up and put it in his pocket. An old lady saw the bulge in his trousers, and asked him what it was. "A tennis ball", he answered, "Poor boy", she said, "I know how sore it can be, I used to suffer with tennis elbow".

What is that square box on a satellite dish called? A Council House.

Did you hear about the Dsylexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

A horse walk’s into a bar and the barman say’s ‘Why the long face?’

What does D.N.A. stand for? The National Association of dsylexyics.