1 Move to Onger.

2 Do all your shopping in Woolworth’s.

3 Cut off your nob and post it to yourself marked "Extremely fragile and crushable and please Mr Post Office Worker, don't even thinkabout jumping up and down on this parcel."

4 Ram a red hot poker up your arsehole

5 Have plastic surgery so you look like Nigel Lawson.

6 Have a partial lobotomy so you think like Nigel Lawson.

7 Appear as a contestant on "The Price Is Right".

8 Eat nothing but All Bran for five months.

9 Have a sex change so you can marry John Nokes.

10 Blow your life savings following the Nolan Sisters on tour.

11 Watch "Delta Force" 152,000 times on the video.

12 Watch the "Care Bears" Movie once.

13 Go and see the Paul Daniel’s Magic Show.

14 Change your name by deed poll to Arnold W**ker and then try getting extended credit.

15 Set yourself on fire as a protest against the £1 coin.

16 Dress up in women's clothing and go to watch Millwall at home to Chelsea.

17 Have fantasies about Barbara Cartland and the Queen Mother.

18 Keep the same underwear on for 52 years.

19 Make a date with Samantha Fox and stand her up.

20 Make a date with Shirley Williams and keep it.