Thought leaving my socks on was horny.

Did it and didn't throw up afterwards.

Used to pay her share.

Had the biggest ones you've ever seen. Wooorrr!

Liked it in the morning and didn't say, "F**k off and get that thing away from me!" as soon as the alarm clock went off.

Never called me that.

Never said, "Is it in?"

Thought Blackpool was a well cool place to go on holiday.

Used to have one - every single bloody time!! In fact, she used to have hundreds and thousands of them, all the time, all over the place, so it must be you...

Said I danced like John Travolta, not Emu.

Used to beg for more, not pretend to be asleep.

Never had a period that coincided with our first free night together in ages.

Never stormed downstairs, and watched Bergerac just because it went all wobbly when I tried to put one on.

Used to make my breakfast, not swear at me and kick me out of the bed instead.

Let me go to the pub with my mates.

Thought a beer gut was a sign of masculinity.

Never made me shower first.

Dress up as an air hostess when I asked her to and didn't write off to Anna Raeburn about me.

Never tried to force-feed my bollocks through the blender just because I said something was 'woman's work'...

The perfect bitch's reply is, of course, "Well why don't you f**k off back to her then?" which always shuts him up pretty fast.