EDUCACION

How to cheat at exams

Anarchists do not swot for exams.

In fact, anarchists don’t do exams at all.

But if for some extra special reason, an anarchist does have to do an exam (like being made to by his or her mum). ANARCHISTS CHEAT

METHOD ONE

Write all the answers out on your thigh, and when teach’ isn’t looking, have a quick peek. IMPORTANT. This technique only really works if you are in a dress. I mean not me, of course - girlies. I wouldn’t wear a blue and white gingham frock with a fabulous pink satin belt that you can get for only - er, anyway over to you, Mike.

METHOD TWO

Hi, Mike the cool person here, passing an exam is like passing water - it’s a piece of piss. One method to avoid is the old ‘Write it on a piece of chewing gum and when Miss comes, eat it method’. It take approximately six thousand sticks of gum to accommodate the average essay. If you really fancy this method why not use pancakes or popadoms? Pizzas are good too, but remember, you can only write on one side of a pizza.

METHOD THREE

Rick here with an absolutely brilliant idea! I’m afraid it’s only any good for boys so girlies will have to use Mike’s pizza method I’m afraid. My idea is amazing graet and foolproof, and he it is.

The night before the exam, when you’re at home in your room, think dirty. Yes, that’s right, think dirty. Bet you never thought passing exams could be so much fun, right guys! Now, not a lot of people know this, but when boys ‘think dirty’ their thingys go all big and hard. Yes, bet that surprised a lot of you. Anyway, when it’s got just about as big as you think it’s going to get (and only you can be the judge of that), grab you biro, and quickly write all your swotty cheat stuff onto your nob.

A bit later on, when all the excitement is over, your ‘thingy’ will have returned to normal, and you will see that the writing will have almost completely disappeared! Leaving the appearance of only a few prominent blue veins, or perhaps a surrealistic tattoo.

The next day, make sure you go into the exam with no panties on. The unzip your flies, and start ‘thinking dirty’. Like magic, the answers will rise up and appear before your very eyes (well, before your belly button) as if from nowhere. If then, you see teach’ approach, you will be gripped with fear, and without you even trying, everything will collapse, and the answers will completely disappear BRILLIANT!

N.B. I said earlier that this idea was no use to girls, but of course with a bit of co-operation, it can be. Remember guys, this could be the only time in your lives when you hear a girly say, ‘Can I see your nob?’.

METHOD FOUR

My idea is better than owning your own chainsaw, and even a nerdy Rick could do it. What you do is, for a few weeks before the exam, every now and then you have to say ‘Oh lordy lordy, deary me, I think I’m going deaf’, and when a teach’ says ‘What’s the capital of France?’ you can say, ‘really? I prefer elephants’. By this method, people will slowly believe you to be deaf. The one day, you start wearing a ‘hearing aid’ but it is not really a hearing aid, really it’s a Sony Walkman. Into this ‘hearing aid’ on the day of the exam, you can submit a carefully prepared tape of all the answers. BRILLIANT.

NB It is very important not to mix up your tapes.

METHOD FIVE

Well, like, I go along with Mike’s pizza method, except I would use only one lentil.

Yes I would carry only one lentil’s worth of information into the exam. Because I have been inside my head, and on that journey, I have asked myself, ‘ Oh Neil, how much information can be got onto one lentil?’ and my head replied, ‘All the information in the world Neil, if need be.’

And I pondered this long. Considering the camel and the eye of the needle, and the angles on the head of a pin, and finally I say the great truth that this idea implied. ‘It would have to be a f**king big lentil,’ I said, and my head replied to me, ‘Yes it would.’

So like, anyway, that’s what I’d do. I’d grow an enormous lentil, and write everything I needed onto it and take it into the exam, and cheat. And if I saw the teacher coming, I’d soak it water for a night, boil it, and eat it.

 

20 foolproof excuses for not doing an essay

 

1 What essay?

2 I did it, but I accidentally tore it up

3 I haven’t got any hands

4 I’m dead

5 A burglar took it

6 The Times Literary Supp~ lement wanted to see it first

7 Up yours, four-eyes

8 We’re too poor to afford toilet paper and my father has dysentery

9 I was in a plane crash and we had to eat each others essays

10 The police confiscated it

11 I know it all - what’s the point in writing it all down?

12 My desk caught fire

13 I’m undergoing a personality crisis

14 I posted it to you - didn’t you get it? - huh, the Post Office these days, I don’t know

15 I made you this book mark instead

16 Everyone says you’re pregnant so I didn’t think you’d be here today

17 You must be mad - you’ve already marked it and given me back to me - I got an A

18 Look, just get off my back, will you?

19 Oh God, I think I’m going to be sick all over you

20 Did you say you wanted me to take all my clothes off?

8 foolproof ways to get a detention

    1. Go up to the detention list and add your name to the bottom.
    2. During French, while the teacher isn’t looking, sneak up to the black board and write, ‘All French teachers are wankers’ on it, then sneak back to your desk. Then, when the master discovers it and asks who did it, put your hand up and say, I did, sir.’
    3. Go up to any games teacher and ask then the time. Games teachers are notoriously stupid and hate being caught out like this.
    4. Go up to the headmaster at morning assembly, get your undercarriage out and say, ‘Look what’s for breakfast, sir.’
    5. Claim to be a famous pop star of your choice and refuse to come to school unless you have a limo from your house and a dressing room full of fags, booze, drugs, etc and roadies crawling under your desk during lessons.
    6. Phone the headmaster’s wife, give your name, claim you’re running an escort agency from the school library, and say that her husband is one of your most regular clients and that if you don’t get £50,000 in used notes by morning break the next day, then you’re going to the Sunday Papers. (NB: If you get the cash you can buy a detention - everyone knows how corrupt prefects are.)
    7. Sneak up behind the most frightening Math’s teacher you can find and make a sudden farty sound. Then shout, ‘Crikey, what a belter! What did you have for lunch, sir?’ The when he casually turns round and says, ‘All right insect, fifty lines - I must not make it look my Math’s teacher has drop one,’ say, ‘Pardon sir?’ and he’ll lose his temper and shout ‘FIFTY LINES!!’ Then, really fast, draw fifty lines on a page the hand it back to him holding your nose and saying, ‘Here you are wiffy - fifty lines.’ The detention is a cert.
    8. Before the school swimming gala, go to the local fish shop and buy a bucket full of crabs. When the great day arrives sneak up behind the Deputy Head before he makes his speech and put them under his chair. The when he gets up to speak, leap up and shout, ‘Look out everyone - the Deputy Head’s got crabs!’ He’ll grab his nasties and then go red and at that point say, ‘No sir, under your chair’; then, when he says, ‘Thank you my boy, thank you. I could have been in for a nasty shock there, I must reward you, is there anything you would like?’, say ‘Yes sir, could I have a detention please?’

exchange visits

Exchange visits are completely bloody crap and must be avoided at all costs. Only wankers that have pencil cases shaped like bananas and space shuttles and day-glo pencils with miniature trolls with blue hair and hugh hole between the legs shoved on the end and sticky labels saying, ‘Please Return this V.I.P.C. - very important pencil case - to, Geoff Utter-Spazmo Form VB actually choose to goon exchange visits. In Most Cases, however, an exchange visit is organised by a teacher or a parent who claims that it is FOR YOUR OWN GOOD*. As soon as you get wind of any such goings-on it is important to take immediate evasive action.

*This is a lie. As is everything teachers say.

PLAN A: EVASIVE ACTION

These are some of the things you can do:

  1. Leave home
  2. Kill Parent / teacher
  3. Kill yourself
  4. Start a war with the country you are destined for
  5. Eat twelve bars of Ex-lax the day before you are due to leave.

Even to best laid plans of mice and men can get ripped up in to little pieces thrown up over and flushed down the U-bend. If all attempts to stop this revolting excursion fail and you find yourself puking up on the Sealink to Boulogne (exchange visits are almost always to Froggie-land - anywhere else and you’re either a bloody little swot doing an optional second language and deserve everything you get) it is now time to put plan B into effect.

PLAN B: GET SENT HOME IMMEDIATELY

Methods:

A Burn your exchange house down. (The French for buying a flame-thrower is Donnez-moi un jeteur de flamme!)

B Pretend to be German. Shout ‘Achtung Spitfire!’ a lot and strut around the town square looking haughty.

C Assassinate M. le Mayor or any other leading local politician.

D Get old very quickly, make a lot of money, learn to fly, buy a plane, bomb the house.

E Eat fifty bars of Ex-lax on arrival.

PLAN C: FIGHTING BACK

As everyone knows, the worst thing about a foreign exchange is the foreigner. The exchange is no ordinary foreigner either - you can’t kick sand in his face and shout, ‘Get out of it, frog-legs, what did you do in the war?’, you can’t stick pins in his lilo when he’s half a mile from shore and can’t swim very well ... and why not. Well, for a start, you’re unlikely to be anywhere near a beach, and secondly and most sinister and revolting of all, because you are ALONE. ALONE with THE ENEMY.

The ENEMY’s name will be either Marcel, Michel or Jean-Marie. He will almost certainly be carrying a flick-knife and has no qualms about inflicting physical damage to your person - don’t forget, not only does he speak good French which you can’t and won’t (ref. I’m a death rider from Hell, and I don’t go to French lessons’ Motorhead ’82) but he’s also VERY VERY GOOD AT CRYING. In froggie terms, crying is the signal for six or seven older brothers of whose existence you have been previously unaware, to leap out of the woodwork, and beat the shit out of you.

All this violence sounds like fun but it’s not. You are alone, remember, and it happens behind closed doors. The parents never find out, and you can’t complain because they speak the same bloody language as the others.

REMEMBER - DON’T EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GO ON AN EXCHANGE.