KNOW YOUR ENEMY
NO 43. PEOPLE
YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR FRIDGE WITH
Type A
Mr. ‘Hey look,
it’s only a sausage’ This is the worst
b*****d of all. He or she will drive you CRAZY by distorting hippie or left wing values in
order to excuse himself for ripping off your grub! He will make you feel like a complete,
petty Nazi, possessionist breadhead, because he’s eaten all your bacon. He will adopt
an INFURIATINGLY reasonable, soft spoken tone and say, ‘Look if it really
means that much to you, I’ll buy you some more.’ but you know it’s f**king
midnight and your hungry now. Of course you are more than welcome to help yourself
to this guy’s stuff, but who wants an empty tube of Craft cheese spread?
Type B
Ms ‘Look why
don’t we have a house kitty and buy a communal sausage’ This girl is a complete nuisance.
She doesn’t realize that Mr. ‘Hey look, it’s only a sausage’ will eat
it and say ‘Hey look, it’s only a sausage’
Type C
Mr. and Ms ‘Look those sausages are mine and
Jackie’s’ The house couple, and a
right pain, they have electric fences and snarling Doberman Pinchers round their neat,
well-stocked bit of the fridge. And every night, they cook themselves PROPER MEALS, like
spag bol’s and amazingly together things like that, and have YOGHURTS afterwards.
They form a united front, and are totally unassailable in fridge matters. And then
there’s a bit of their amazing spag bol left, and you drool a bit, but no, they
scrape it into a bowl and put Clingfilm over it and go upstairs and make the floorboards
creak all through ‘The Untouchables’.
Type D
Mr. Sticky Label A perfect gent, marks his own stuff clearly, and uses only that . . .
Except I could really do with a cup of tea, and he’s got loads of milk, if I just
pinch a bit...
QUESTION: Why did Juliet stab herself in the Capulet tomb?
ANSWERS: Because Romeo had eaten her last sausage, despite the fact
it was clearly marked ‘ J ’ in biro, and in her part of the FRIDGE.
QUESTION: Why did Delilah cut off all Samson’s hair?
ANSWER: Because she caught him using a bit of her milk in his
coffee, and all right it was only a splash, but it just seems to happen every time, and
the other night she brought some friends back for coffee, and three wasn’t enough
milk, which was ridiculous, because she’d only bought it the day before, and
there’s no way the house can be run if people don’t feel confident about leaving
private property in the FRIDGE.
QUESTION: Why did Paul McCartney leave Jane Asher for Linda Eastman?
ANSWER: Linda might not be as talented as Jane, but at least she
doesn’t deliberately peel off the sticky labels marked ‘Paul’s’ that
he’d put on the half empty box of fish fingers, in the ice-making compartment of the
FRIDGE.
QUESTION: What keeps Cliff and Sue together?
ANSWER: Their fridge is broken.
But don’t blame the fridge.
When Napoleon invaded Russia to get his yoghurt
back, it wasn’t the fridge that nicked it.
When the ‘I hadn’t even
opened this carton of orange juice’ war (later known as ‘The Second World
War’) started, it wasn’t the fridge that had drunk the juice. No. IT WAS THATCHER
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