Good evening. Here is the news. Princess Anne has arrived in Swaziland today, on the first leg of her South African tour. Hello, my name is Donald. But the trip caused a controversy because the Princess stopped off at Johannesburg airport on her way there.

I’m the man who types out the news-sheets. This move is seen by some anti-apartheid groups as a sign of implicit approval. This is my last day at the BBC.

Tory MP John Thirwell Launched a shock attack on the government tonight over its handling of public sector pay rises.

And quite frankly, I don’t give a monkey’s any more.

He accused them of being arrogant and heartless over the issue.

My leaving party went on all afternoon, and quite honestly, I’m rat-arsed.

Mr. Thirwell pointed out that civil service pay had fallen in relation to the private sector by more than 15 per cent.

I’m Leaving, I’m smashed, and I fell bloody great.

In Rome today, the Pope got married.

Yes - I can make you say anything.

After a brief ceremony in a registry office, the Pope and his bride, Freddie Laker, flew off for their honeymoon to the small island of Belgium in the Dutch East Indies.

The City, and the Financial Times Index rose today, then fell off its chair and had a fight with a pig. A spokesman said: "Would you like to buy any of my spokes?"

And finally, on a lighter note, fourteen people were massacred today in Kent by a man with a flame-thrower. A relative of one of the deceased said: "We’re all jolly glad."

That’s it, next news at Christmas.

Till then, good heavens.