Inject food colouring into the bottom of your toothpaste tube using a hypodermic needle. When the toothpaste appears coloured, you will know its time to buy a new tube.

Pretend your house is a bed and breakfast establishment by ordering an extra 50 pints of milk each day and placing a bed and breakfast sign in front of your window. Unwanted callers can easily be dissuaded by adding a simple no vacancies sign.

Look extra hard on long train journeys by saving all your extra beer cans for a week and lining them up on the table in front of you.

Hang Brussel sprouts on the end of a piece of string. Hey presto! Edible Christmas decorations for the kids.

Golfers! Empty egg boxes make ideal containers for your golf balls, except that they are a little bit small.

Railway commuters. When boarding your train attach a length of rope to the carriage door and tie the other end firmly around your ankle. In the event of a train crash by following the rope you will be able to find your way out of the wreckage in the dark.

A string of sausages draped across the room makes an ideal Christmas decoration. But be sure you cook them before giving them to the kids.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Glue desiccated coconut to your windows this Christmas for a perfect snow effect. Afterwards it can be chiselled off and fried-a perfect treat for the kids.

Brides! Take no risks on your big day. Place marshmallows under your wedding cake to help it withstand any minor earthquakes or tremors.

Take a leaf out of a skateboarders book this winter. Strap empty egg boxes to your knees and elbows to prevent any injuries when you slip over on some ice.

When it is your round, carry all the drinks back from the bar covering them all with clingfilm and putting them all in your pockets.

Pineapple rings make attractive tree decorations-and slot easily onto the branches of your tree.

Fellas. Keep wives and girlfriends on their toes by murmuring the names of other women whilst pretending to be asleep.

When boiling an egg in the morning save time by popping a tea bag and a drop of milk into the pan. Hey presto! A boiled egg and a cup of tea.

Ladies. Don't splash out on expensive nail files. Make your own by sticking the sides of a matchbox to an old lollipop stick.

When it stops raining go to the nearest car park. By observing the number of dry patches you can work out exactly how many cars have left the car park since the rain has stopped.

Gardeners. Avoid back ache from bending to pick your tomatoes. Simply dig a trench four feet deep alongside your plants. Step into the trench and hey presto! Your tomatoes are chest height!

Stop being scared of spiders by handling spiders on a regular basis until you aren't scared of handling spiders any more.

Convince dinner guests that you have woodworm in the house by drilling small holes in the arms and legs of your dining chairs.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Pretend your car has central locking by leaving all the doors unlocked except the drivers door. When you return, unlock the drivers door and hey presto! All the doors are unlocked!

Convince your neighbours that you have fluorescent strip lights in your bedroom by rapidly flicking the switch on and off for a few moments every evening before you enter the room.

Avoid dirty finger marks around light switches by fixing an ordinary bathroom soap dish and a glass holder by the side of each switch. Guests can then use the soap and water from the glass to wash their hands before touching the switch. Oh, you will need a small towel rail to.

Help the Samaritans by sending them problem pages cut out of old magazines. They will then be in a position to help if they encounter any similar problems themselves.

Keep your kids amused on shopping trips by giving them 3 wooden balls each and offering a goldfish to the first one who can knock a passer bys hat off.

A teaspoon placed in a cup on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

Pretend to have dry rot by filling your sub floor void with candyfloss.

Edge your lawn into the shape of a pair of trousers then mow it in lines so it looks like a huge pair of green corduroy trousers. Pockets can simply be added by planting small flower beds.

Ensure circular objects such as vases stand centrally on your mantle piece by subtracting the diameter of the object from the length of the mantle piece and dividing by two. Then simply cut a piece of string or nylon fishing cord to that length. Place the cut edge of the string flush to one edge of the mantle piece and then slide the vase or object along its length until the vase or object abuts the other edge of the string. The string can then be popped into the vase and re-used later should it be moved for any reason.

Con passing aeroplane passengers into thinking you have an outside swimming pool by painting a large blue rectangle on your lawn.

Make people think they have just seen a snake by squirming around your local park in a rolled up carpet with a fork dangling from your mouth and making hissing noises.

Small tadpoles with their tails removed make tasty (and cheap) caviar substitutes.

Don't waste money on expensive telephone answering machines. When you leave the house simply plug the phone into your video recorder. Not only will it record the callers voice, but you will also get a picture of them speaking, probably.

Obtain the appearance of mice infestation in your home by making small holes in your skirting board and scattering a few currents around the floor.

Treat yourself on birthdays and special occasions by carrying a

comfortable chair around with you. When you get tired of carrying the chair you can sit down at any time for a well earned rest.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Motorists. Stick a small photograph of a friend or relative to the top, right hand corner of your roof lining and talk to it earnestly when alone in the car. Other drivers will be convinced you own a hands free car phone.

Ramblers. In the country, leaving gates open will help the farmer out as he will not have to climb down out of his tractor.

Give your bird box a thatched cottage look by fixing two shredded wheat to the roof.

Save wear and tear on door hinges by only opening doors a little bit and then squeezing through the gap.

Wood stain is a fast and attractive alternative to sun bed treatments.

Smear cheap purple dye in your armpits to make people think you have been wearing one of those fantastic expensive tee-shirts that change colour with your body temperature.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid bastards.

Make your toast into the shape of a Maltese Cross simply and effectively by nibbling out a section from each of the four corners.

OAP's. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you drive your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

And while you're on, try pushing the pedal on the right down towards the floor. This will make your car move forwards quickly.

Avoid laziness by screwing your TV remote control to a piece of furniture at least 10 feet away from your chair.

Office managers. Encourage primeval hunter-gatherer instincts among staff by hiding nuts and berries about your office to enable them to forage for food at lunchtime.

Create instant designer stubble by rubbing syrup on your chin then sprinkling the contents of a tea bag onto it.

Silence your windy by pulling apart your buttocks before you pump. Hey presto! No embarrassing fart noise.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Never do your shoelaces up in a revolving door.

Solve the problem of disappearing biros. Use a pencil instead.

Avoid soiling your trousers by not pulling apart your buttocks when you think you are about to fart.

Police. Get prime seats at your local panto this year by stopping one of the celebrities as they drive home after the show full of drink. They are bound to offer you free tickets.

When holidaying abroad include a toilet brush and a standard lamp in your luggage. Hotels rarely provide toilet brushes and the lamp will come in handy for reading.

Pretend you're German when on holiday by being rude to other holiday-makers, over-eating and barging into queues.

Don't waste money buying Big Countries Greatest Hits album. Simply buy one of their 7 inch singles and play it over and over again.

Stick a dead goldfish inside the cover of library books. The smell of the fish will act as a reminder that the book is overdue for return.

Make visits to the dentist less nerve racking by dropping into the pub first and drinking 5 or 6 pints of beer.

Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of Vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.

Don't spend a fortune buying expensive oven gloves. Boxing gloves available from most sport shops, will do the job just as well.

Make cactus plants safe for young children by removing all the spines with a pair of tweezers.

Ensure a good nights sleep by knocking back a large bottle of Gin before retiring to bed.

If dining in restaurants don't start eating until every course has been brought to your table. With your whole order laid out in front of you, it is much easier to check the bill when it arrives.

Brightly coloured household slippers are not only comfortable for outdoor summer wear, they also serve to distract passers-by from a toupee, if one is worn.

Leave one curtain open for every pint of milk you require in the morning.

If you get to the supermarket checkout only to find you've left your purse at home, avoid embarrassment by pretending to have a nosebleed. Invariably one of the assistants will help you to the lavatory where you can remain until the store has closed.

Don't answer your front door. It could be burglars.

Make everyone think you wear glasses by making a mark on the bridge of your nose with a teaspoon every morning.

When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home again by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

Whenever you introduce a new system for ordering milk, make sure you explain it to the milkman before-hand.

Don't throw away those old balloons after Christmas. Stretched over your head they make an ideal shower cap.

Amuse family and friends by placing an old plant pot on your head and doing a comedy impression of Tommy Cooper. Just like that !

Make your neighbour think you are an alien by wrapping yourself in tin foil and standing in your garden late at night pointing at the stars and making silly, high pitched 'bleeping' noises.

Save money at Christmas by not sending cards or presents to elderly relatives who's marbles have probably gone anyway and who wouldn't know you from Adam.

Varnish digestive biscuits to make attractive but slightly brittle drinks coasters.

Paint a series of dots onto Bourbon biscuits, then varnish them. Hey presto! Dominoes.

Don't risk drowning if you travel by boat. Simply put on a pair of bicycle clips and fill your trousers with Ping-Pong balls.

Divide your lawn into a grid using string and wooden pegs. You can then describe your exact position in the garden over the telephone to a friend or relative many miles away who would then be able to plot your movements on a piece of graph paper.

Carry a different vegetable in your pocket each weekday to remind you which day it is. For example:

Sunday - a sprout,

Monday - a marrow,

Tuesday - a turnip,

Strike a match at football games every time a goal is scored. When the game ends simply count the number of used matches to reveal the final score.

Frozen sprouts make a tasty alternative to boiled sweets and they don't rot kids teeth.

Get into the cinema free by looking bored, carrying an ice cream tray and wearing a silly hat.