TO OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE

1. WHAT DID THE HURRICANE SAY TO THE COCONUT TREE?

...HOLD ON TO YOUR NUTS, THIS IS NO ORDINARY BLOW-JOB.

2. WHAT DO YOU CALL A FEMALE CLOWN?

...A CLUNT.

3. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A N*****R AND A TYRE?

...TYRES DON’T SING WHEN YOU PUT CHAINS ON THEM.

4. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS ASKED TO BE A JEHOVAH’S WITNESS?

...HE REFUSED BECAUSE HE HADN’T SEEN THE ACCIDENT.

5. WHY DO ********** CARRY SHIT IN THEIR WALLETS?

...FOR IDENTIFICATION.

6. HOW DO YOU GET A KLEENX TO DANCE?

...BLOW A BOOGIE ON IT.

7. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POOF WHO GOT FIRED FROM THE SPERM BANK?

...HE WAS CAUGHT DRINKING ON THE JOB.

8. WHAT’S THE DEFINITION OF A PERFECT WOMAN?

(A) SHE'S THREE FEET TALL, HAS A ROUND HOLE FOR A MOUTH AND HER HEAD IS FLAT SO THAT YOU CAN PUT A PINT GLASS ON IT.

(B) THE SPORTS MODEL HAS PULL BACK EARS AND HER TEETH FOLD IN.

(C) THE ECONOMY MODEL F**KS ALL EVENING AND AT MIDNIGHT TURNS INTO A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH AND A SIX PACK.

9. WHY DOSE RAY CHARLES SMILE ALL THE TIME?

...BECAUSE HE DOESN'T KNOW HE'S BLACK.

10. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE QUEER BURGLAR?

...HE COULDN’T BLOW THE SAFE SO HE WENT DOWN ON THE ELEVATOR.

11. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE QUEER INDIAN?

...HE JUMPED INTO THE CANOE, TOOK THREE STROKES AND SHOT ACROSS THE LAKE.

12. HOW DO YOU GET FOUR POOFS ON A BAR STOOL?

...TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN.

13. WHY DON’T BLACK CHEERLEADERS DO THE SPLITS?

...BECAUSE IF THEY DID THEY WOULD STICK TO THE FLOOR.

14. WHY DO BLACKS WEAR WIDE BRIMMED HATS?

...TO KEEP THE BIRDS FROM SHITTING ON THEIR LIPS.

15. WHY DO BLACKS WEAR PLATFORM SHOES?

...TO KEEP THEIR KNUCKLES FROM DRAGGING ON THE GROUND.

16. WHAT DO ELEPHANTS USE FOR TAMPONS?

...SHEEP.

17. HOW DO YOU SAY "F**K YOU" IN JEWISH?

..."TRUST ME".

18. WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF JEWISH FOREPLAY?

...TWO HOURS OF BEGGING.

19. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A N*****R WITH BO DEREK?

...10 OF SPADES.

20. WHY DON'T IRISH PEOPLE EAT PICKLES?

...BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET THEIR HEADS INTO THE JARS.

21. WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE CASE OF FALLOUT?

... PUT IT BACK IN AND TAKE SHORTER STROKES.

22. WHY DON'T ITALIANS EAT FLEAS.

...BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GET THEIR LITTLE LEGS APART.

23. WHY DID GOD HAKE URINE YELLOW AND COME WHITE?

...SO THE IRISH COULD TELL IF THEY WERE COMING OR GOING.

24. HOW DO YOU GET AN IRANIAN GIRL PREGNANT?

...COME ON HER SHOES AND LET THE FLIES DO THE REST.

25. WHAT HAS 6 LEGS AND EATS PUSSY?

...YOU ME AND BILL JEAN KING.

26. WHAT'S THAT BROWN STUFF BETWEEN AN ELEPHANT’S TOES?

...SLOW NATIVES.

27. WHAT’S BETTER THAN ROSES ON YOUR PIANO?

...TWO LIPS ON YOUR ORGAN.

28. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A N*****R WITH A GORILLA?

...A DUMB GORILLA.

29. WHAT DOES IT SAY INSIDE A N*****R’S LIP?

...INFLATE TO 20 PSI.

30. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW IRISH PARACHUTE?

...IT OPENS ON IMPACT.

31. WHY DO BRIXTON COONS HAVE SUCH SMALL STEERING WHEELS?

...SO THEY CAN DRIVE WITH HANDCUFFS ON.

32. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JEW AND A PIZZA?

...A PIZZA DOESN'T SCREAM WHEN YOU PUT IT IN THE OVEN.

33. WHY DO JEWS HAVE SUCH BIG NOSES?

...AIR IS FREE.

34. WHY DID THE PAKISTANI TRADE HIS WIFE IN FOR AN OUTHOUSE?

...BECAUSE THE HOLE WAS SMALLER AND THE SMELL WAS BETTER.

35. WHAT GOES INTO THIRTEEN TWICE?

...ROMAN POLANSKI,

36. WHY DON'T ITALIANS HAVE FRECKLES?

... THEY SLIDE OFF.

37. WHAT DID ADAM SAY TO EVE?

..."STAND BACK, I DON’T KNOW HOW BIG THIS THING GETS".

38. WHAT DO YOU HAVE WHEN YOU’RE UP TO YOUR ANKLES IN N*****RS?

...AFRO-TURF.

39. WHAT’S OLD AND WRINKLED AND SMELLS LIKE GINGER ROGERS?

...FRED ASTAIRS FACE.

40. WHAT’S YELLOW, UGLY AND SLEEPS ALONE?

...YOKO ONO.

41. WHY DON’T THEY HAVE ANY BLACK SKIERS?

...BECAUSE THEIR LIPS EXPLODE AT 1000 FEET.

42. WHY DON’T THEY LET PAKISTANI’S SWIM IN LAKE WINDERMERE?

...BECAUSE THEY LEAVE A RING.

43. WHERE IS AN ELEPHANTS SEX ORGAN?

...IN HIS FEET, IF HE STEPS ON YOU YOU’RE F**KED.

44. WHAT’S BLACK AND WHITE AND HAS THREE EYES?

...SAMMY DAVIS JNR AND HIS WIFE.

45. HOW MANY BLACKS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

...FIVE. ONE TO CHANGE THE LIGHT, THE OTHER FOUR TO HOLD THE SOUND SYSTEM.

46. WHY ARE ICE HOCKEY GOALKEEPERS AND WEST INDIAN GIRLS ALIKE?

...THEY BOTH CHANGE THEIR PADS AFTER THREE PERIODS.

47. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A N*****R AND A MONKEY?

...NOTHING, MONKEY’S ARE TO INTELLIGENT TO F**K A N*****R.

48. WHY DOES NANCY REAGAN ALWAYS CLIMB ON TOP?

...BECAUSE RONNY CAN ONLY F**K UP.

49. WHY DID GOD CREATE THE ORGASM?

...SO N*****RS WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP F**KING.

50. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ITALIAN WITH AN I.Q. OF 180?

...SICILY.

51. WHY DON’T THEY HAVE ICE-CUBES IN IRELAND?

...THEY LOST THE RECIPE.

52. WHAT’S A REAL MATE?

...SOMEONE WHO’LL GO INTO TOWN AND GETS TWO BLOW JOBS AND COME BACK AND GIVES YOU ONE.

53. WHAT’S RED AND WHITE AND MAKES YOU LAUGH?

...A BUS LOAD OF PAKISTANI’S GOING OVER A CLIFF.

54. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MAN WHO LOST HIS WHOLE LEFT SIDE?

...HE’S ALL-RIGHT NOW.

55. HOW DO YOU SAVE A DROWNING N*****R?

...THROW HIM AN ANCHOR.

56. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISH GIRL WITH HALF A BRAIN?

...GIFTED.

57. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TWO HOLES SO CLOSE TOGETHER?

...IN CASE YOU MISS.

58. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN POLAND?

...A TOURIST.

59. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW VIETNAMESE COOKBOOK?

...100 WAYS TO WOK YOUR DOG.

60. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A WOMAN IS WEARING TIGHTS?

...IF SHE FARTS HER ANKLES SWELL UP.

61. HOW DO YOU TELL IF A WOMAN IS WEARING NO UNDERWEAR?

...LOOK FOR DANDRUFF ON HER SHOES.

62. WHY DON’T N*****RS DRIVE CONVERTIBLES?

...THEIR LIPS WOULD FLAP IN THE WIND AND SLAP THEM TO DEATH.

63. WHAT’S THE DEFINITION OF MASS CONFUSION?

...FATHERS DAY IN BRIXTON.

64. WHAT’S THE ULTIMATE REJECTION?

...WHEN YOU’RE WANKING AND YOUR HAND FALLS ASLEEP.

65. HOW DO YOU TELL HOW MANY ********** LIVE IN A TOWN?

...COUNT THE WINDOWS OF THE CELLARS AND MULTIPLY BY 36.

66. HOW DO YOU KILL A WEST INDIAN?

...SMASH THE TOILET SEAT OVER HIS HEAD WHEN HE’S TAKING A DRINK OF WATER.

67. WHAT HAPPENS TO A JEW WHEN HE WALK’S INTO A WALL WITH A FULLY ERECT PENIS?

...HE BREAKS HIS NOSE.

68. HOW MANY BLACKS DOES IT TAKE TO PAVE A DRIVEWAY?

...DEPENDS ON HOW THIN YOU SLICE THEM.

69. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COLOURED GIRL AND A TEN-PIN BOWLING BALL?

...YOU CAN ONLY STICK THREE FINGERS IN A BOWLING BALL.

70. WHAT DO LESBIANS LIKE MORE THAN LEVIS JEANS?

...BILLY'S JEAN’S.

71. YOU KNOW THE BARMAN’S PISSED-OFF WHEN FIND A STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MARY.

72. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SAVE A DROWNING N*****R?

...NO.....GOOD.

73. WHY IS ITALY SHAPED LIKE A BOOT?

...DO YOU THINK YOU COULD FIT ALL THAT SHIT IN A TENNIS SHOE.

74. WHAT’S THE HARDEST THING ABOUT A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION?

...INSERTING THE ANCHOVIES.

75. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT KLU KLUX KNIEVAL?

...HE TRIED TO JUMP OVER 8 N*****RS WITH A STEAMROLLER.

76. HOW DOES GOD MAKE PUERTO RICANS?

...HE SANDBLASTS N*****RS.

77. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL WHO LEFT HOME BECAUSE HE DIDN’T THE WAY HE WAS BEING REARED.

78. WHY DON'T BLACKS HAVE CHEQUE BOOKS?

...BECAUSE ITS HARD TO SIGN YOUR NAME WITH SPRAY PAINTS.

79. WHAT IS ORGANIC DENTAL FLOSS?

...PUBIC HAIR.

8O. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JEW WITH A GYPSY?

...A CHAIN OF EMPTY STORES.

81. WHY DO BLACK PEOPLE SMELL SO BAD?

...SO BLIND PEOPLE CAN HATE THEM TOO.

82. WHAT ARE THE THREE GREATEST LIES?

(A) THE CHEQUE IS IN THE POST.

(B) BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL.

(C) I WON’T COME IN YOU’RE MOUTH.

83. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TWO HOLES CLOSE TOGETHER?

...SO YOU CAN CARRY THEM HOME LIKE A SIX PACK.

84. HOW DO YOU BRAINWASH AN IRISHMAN?

...GIVE HIM AN ENEMA.

85. WHY WASN’T CHRIST BORN IN THE U.S.A?

...THEY COULDN’T FIND THREE WISE MEN AND A VIRGIN.

86. WHY DO ITALIANS WEAR HATS?

...SO THEY KNOW WHICH END TO WIPE.

87. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO STUDIED FIVE DAYS FOR A URINE TEST.

88. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT ITALIAN WHO PICKED HIS NOSE APART TO SEE WHAT MADE IT RUN.

89. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT ITALIAN WHO CLEANED HIS EARS OUT?

...HIS HEAD CAVED IN.

90. WHY DID GOD GIVE BLACKS RHYTHM?

...BECAUSE HE F**KED UP THEIR HAIR.