| The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? Al: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tyre pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor? A: By the ears.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: Why are only 2% of blonde's touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag.
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped? A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee? A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A: Full.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning? A: "Thanks, guys..."
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengal's team? A: Just One... Roomer Esiason.
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue? A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? Al: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole? A: Divorced,
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer'
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp? A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I’m ‘sooo’ drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A. "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call? A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What is the brunette's mating call? A. When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next'"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route.
Q. Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde? A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? Al: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2. Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde? A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a chequebook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 3D cents to use a telephone.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses? A: Because he didn't want them shining in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tyre gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex? A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant? A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair? Al: (Action of scissoring legs apart) A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm? Al: She drops her nail-file! A2: Who cares? A3: She says, "Next". A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder. A5 He's had his clothes on for about 2 minutes. A6: I mean, who really cares? A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs? A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond? Al: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Don't tell her to swallow. A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor licence?
"Oh it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer Was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde Was mad enough she turned her radio oft. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you What's coming to you!"
A dumb blonde Was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "O. K. What's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W."
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load When it Was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that Would have hit me right in the face! !'" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde Said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the Same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into One and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "Who ripped off my car phone!"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realised I was too late.
A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she liked it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good Once she had taken it out of the crate.
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practise safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $I for a box of 3," he replied, "plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 999: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it. I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" so she swam back.
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those ain't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?" "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "it's a little card with your picture on it." "Oh, duh' Here it is. ." "May I have your car insurance?" "What's that?..." "it's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car." "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyser test!"
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "535." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one" She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before" She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He' "$35." She: "How much for the White one?" He: "$35 for the white One, $35 for the black One." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and Off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I’ll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salmon responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo. one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realises his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well!" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends: Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde. (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy
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