| Men & Women
Let’s start with the different
approaches to life...
THE PERFECT DAY
The Perfect Day According
to.....
HER
8:00
Wake up to hugs & kisses
9:00
5 pounds lighter on the scales
10:00 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:00 Lunch with best
friend at outdoor cafe
1:30
Shopping
2:00
Run into boyfriend’s ex, notice she’s
gained thirty pounds
3:00
Facial, massage and nap
7:00
Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk in his
big strong arms
The Perfect Day According
to.....
HIM
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral Sex
10:10 Big breakfast
11:00 Drive up coast in
Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big hooters
2:00
Enormous lunch
3:00
Oral Sex
3:10
Play sports with the guys
4:00
Drink beer with the guys
6:00
Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10
Oral Sex
7:00
Huge dinner, more beer
10:00 Full on, get down,
gorilla sex
10:05 Pass out
_______________________
Let’s start with a basic primer...
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN
--Five Things Women Should Know About
Men--
1) When he asks for a threesome, he’s
only kidding.... unless the answer is yes, in which case, can he videotape it?
2) He wasn’t looking at her.......
ok, he just took a quick glance. Ahh.. what the hell, he was checking her out, not like
you dont look at other guys.
3) If he has to sit through Legends of the
Fall, you have to sit through Showgirls.
4) YES, he wants another beer.
5) If you don’t want to know,
don’t ask.
--Five Things Men Should Know About
Women--
1) You’re wrong.
2) You’re sorry.
3) Don’t think PMS is the cause of
all of her problems.
4) Even if she asks for your honest
opinion, tell her she looks good anyway.
5) Her cooking tastes better than your
mom’s. thats it for this issue of AOL News, see ya next time.
___________________________
Okay, now women,
here’s your grad course. Take notes....
RITA RUDNER’S
FACTS ABOUT MEN
1. Men like to barbecue.
Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced
ears are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
3. Marrying a divorced man
is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to
recycle.
4. Men are very confident
people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks
that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the
players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the
phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with
lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the
first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their
psyches.
7. All men are afraid of
eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a
man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear
"We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the
heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10. Men are sensitive in
strange ways. If a ma has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it
personally.
11. Men have an easier
time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have
two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12. Men have higher body
temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to
a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13. Women take clothing
much more seriously than men. I’ve never seen a man walk into a party and say
"Oh, my God, I’m so embarrassed; get me out of here. There’s another man
wearing a black tuxedo."
14. Most men hate to shop.
That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department
store, two inches from the door.
15. If a man prepares
dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16. If you’re dating
a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job,
or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon -to-butterfly
theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17. No man is charming all
of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18. When four or more men
get together, they talk about sports.
19. When four or more
women get together, they talk about men.
20. Men are less
sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21. Most women are
introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most
men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How’s my car?"
22. If a man says,
"I’ll call you," and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget... he
didn’t lose your number... he didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
23. Men hate to lose. I
once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?"
He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
24. Getting rid of a man
without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
25. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If
you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you...
I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
26. Men are self-confident
because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.
27. Male menopause is a
lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot
flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
28. Men forget everything;
women remember everything.
29. That’s why men
need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
_______________________________
Taking this one step
further, you must realise there is a difference between men and guys. Again, take
notes-there may be a quiz...
MEN VS. GUYS
Men know what they want to
be doing five years down the road.
Guys are not sure what
they want to be doing later tonight.
Men really know how to
make you relax.
Guys really know how to
make you laugh.
Men read Crichton, watch
Rather, play golf.
Guys read King, watch
Seinfeld, play poker.
Men make a lot of money
before they are 30.
Guys make a lot of
mistakes before they are 30.
Men wear ties with
stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys wear high school
T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school.
Men think perfume (yours)
is a turn-on.
Guys think sweat (theirs)
is a turn-on.
Men balance their
chequebooks.
Guys balance their loans
so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Men claim to be feminists
but still insist on opening doors, driving and paying for dinner.
Guys claim to be feminists
because they let YOU open doors, drive and pay for dinner.
Men have an internist, a
tailor and an accountant.
Guys have a barber, a
bartender and a mechanic.
Men are afraid of becoming
fathers.
Guys are afraid of
becoming men.
Men put you on the phone
when their mothers call.
Guys pretend you’re
not there when their moms call.
Men start their own
businesses.
Guys quit their jobs.
Men are experts on
women’s erogenous zones.
Guys are experts on their
own most erogenous zone.
Men order wine based on
more than the price.
Guys bring their own beer.
Men break up with you by
shaking hands and saying they’re sorry you didn’t like the same movies and the
sex wasn’t very good but they hope you can still work together on the Chicago deal.
Guys break up with you by
standing you up, avoiding your calls, and then, when you finally run into each other,
acting as if they can’t quite place you.
_______________________________
Now, let’s compare notes ...
THE AGES OF WOMEN AND MEN
Women:
1. Between the ages of 16
and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19
and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36
and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her
resources.
4. Between the ages of 46
and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like
Australia, everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn.
Men:
1. Between the ages of 16
and 18, he is like Australia, still in the back country and not yet exposed to the
populated world.
2. Between the ages of 19
and 35, he is like China, everytime he eats, he’s hungry an hour later.
3. Between the ages of 36
and 45, he is like Antarctica, he thinks he’s conquered new territory, but in all
actuality, he’s as cold as ice!
4. Between the ages of 46
and 56, he is like Timbuctoo, once you get there, you wonder why! (What’s the thrill
here?)
5. After 56, just
don’t go there, he never leaves the rocking-chair!!
______________________________
Let’s examine the
differences in how men and women communicate...
WHAT HE REALLY MEANS
"I’m going
fishing."
Really means...
"I’m going to
drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the
fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let’s take your
car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of
beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who
doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record
than me."
"I don’t care
what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as
it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or
any other color besides white."
"It’s a guy
thing."
Really means....
"There is no
rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
logical."
"Can I help with
dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn’t it
already on the table?"
"Uh huh,"
"Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
"Absolutely
nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling."
"Good idea."
Really means....
"It’ll never
work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost
weight?"
Really means....
"I’ve just
spent our last £30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn’t
understand me."
Really means....
"She’s heard
all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too
long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea
how it works."
"I’m getting
more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in
the remote are dead."
"I got a lot
done."
Really means....
"I found
‘Waldo’ in almost every picture."
"We’re going to
be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a
legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I’ve read
all the classics."
Really means....
"I’ve been
subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like
my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the
smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to
you. It’s just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering
if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey,
you’re working too hard."
Really means....
"I can’t hear
the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That’s
interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still
talking?"
"Honey, we don’t
need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our
anniversary again."
"You expect too much
of me."
Really means....
"You want me to
stay awake."
"It’s a really
good movie."
Really means....
"It’s got
guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That’s
women’s work."
Really means....
"It’s
difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry
me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates
have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your
mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of
making a decision."
"You know how bad my
memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the
theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday."
"I was just thinking
about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling
them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a
man’s game."
Really means....
"Women are
generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don’t fuss.
I just cut myself, it’s no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually
severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt."
"I do help around the
house."
Really means....
"I once put a
dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I’ve got
my reasons for what I’m doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I
think of some pretty soon."
"I can’t find
it."
Really means....
"It didn’t
fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless."
"What did I do this
time?"
Really means....
"What did you
catch me at?"
"What do you mean,
you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought
new clothes 3 years ago."
"She’s one of
those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to
make my coffee."
"But I hate to go
shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always
wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of
gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually
get it to start."
"I’m going to
stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on
drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven’t
the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could
never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the
way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."
"You look
terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please
don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving."
"I brought you a
present."
Really means....
"It was free ice
scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can’t find
my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I’m not lost. I
know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever
see us alive again."
"We share the
housework."
Really means....
"I make the
messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is
getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more
than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the
rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it,
honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what
have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last
night."
Really means....
"I suppose
you’re going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It’s good
beer."
Really means....
"It was on
sale."
"I don’t need to
read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I’ll fix the
garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long
enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I’ll take you
to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that
doesn’t have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with
her."
Really means....
"She dumped
me."
WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS
"You want"
Really means....
"You want"
"We need"
Really means....
"I want"
"It’s your
decision"
Really means....
"The correct
decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you
want"
Really means....
"You’ll pay
for this later."
"We need to
talk"
Really means....
"I need to
complain"
"Sure... go
ahead"
Really means....
"I don’t want
you to."
"I’m not
upset"
Really means....
"Of course
I’m upset, you moron!"
"I’m not
emotional! And I’m not overreacting!"
Really means....
"I’m on my
period."
"Be romantic, turn
out the lights."
Really means....
"I have flabby
thighs."
"This kitchen is so
inconvenient"
Really means....
"I want a new
house."
"I want new
curtains"
Really means....
"and carpeting,
and furniture, and wallpaper....."
"I heard a
noise"
Really means....
"I noticed you
were almost asleep."
"Do you love
me?"
Really means....
"I’m going to
ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love
me?"
Really means....
"I did something
today you’re really not going to like."
"I’ll be ready
in a minute."
Really means....
"Kick off your
shoes and find a good game on T.V."
"Is my butt
fat?"
Really means....
"Tell me I’m
beautiful."
"You have to learn to
communicate."
Really means....
"Just agree with
me."
"Yes"
Really means....
"No"
"Maybe"
Really means....
"No"
"No"
Really means....
"No"
"I’m
sorry."
Really means....
"You’ll be
sorry."
"All we’re going
to buy is a soap dish"
Really means....
"It goes without
saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need
to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the
bedroom and did you bring your chequebook?"
(THE ANSWER TO
"WHAT’S WRONG?")
"The same old
thing"
Really means....
"Nothing"
"Nothing"
Really means....
"Everything"
"Everything"
Really means....
"My PMS is acting
up"
"Nothing,
really"
Really means....
"It’s just
that you’re such an asshole"
"I don’t want to
talk about it"
"Really means....
"Go away, I’m
still building up steam"
______________________________
Here’s a quick
summary thus far...
ON MEN AND WOMEN:
Women remember everything.
Men can’t remember
anything. That’s why they have instant replay.
______________________________
Okay, I said there might
be a quiz. Time to see if you pass the test...
THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ
Study each question
carefully. Then choose the answer that seems more correct, True or False.
1. A clitoris is a type of
flower.
2. A pubic hair is a wild
rabbit.
3.
"Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical
term used to describe heart trouble.
5. A menstrual cycle has
three (3) wheels.
6. A g-string is part of a
violin.
7. Semen is another word
for "sailors."
8. Anus is the Latin word
for "yearly."
9. Testicles are found on
an octopus.
10. Asphalt describes
rectal troubles.
11. KOTEX is a radio
station in Bryan, Texas.
12. Masturbate is used to
catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical
instrument.
14. Foetus is a character
on "Gunsmoke."
15. An umbilical cord is
part of a parachute.
16. A condom is an
apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is the
person who accompanies the choir in church.
18. A diaphragm is a
drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety
of sweet pickles.
20. An erection is when
Japanese vote for their new government officials.
21. A lesbian is a person
from the Middle East.
22. Sodomy is a special
kind of fast-growing grass.
23. Pornography is the
business of making record albums.
24. Genitals are people of
non-Jewish origins.
25. Douche is the Italian
word for "twelve."
26. An enema is someone
who is not your friend.
27. Ovaries are a French
egg dish made with cheese.
28. Scrotum is a small
planet near Uranus.
29. A vulva is an
automobile from Sweden.
30. A Fallopian Tube is a
part of a television set.
31. Fellatio refers to an
Italian dagger.
32. Cunnilingus refers to
someone who can speak foreign languages.
33. Phallus was a city on
the Nile.
34. VD is an American
holiday celebrated on November 11.
35. Herpes was a Greek
god.
36. A homosexual is a
technician who purifies milk.
37. The ben-wa ball is
held every year in Tokyo on June 1.
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