NEIGHBOURS - THE ALTERNATIVE EDIT

Music fades out...

S C E N E 0 1

<- Helen has just finished a new painting. Friends are admiring it ->

 

Madge: "Oh, Helen, it’s the best thing you’ve ever done."

Brad: "Yeah, man, its cool. Can I have something to eat, man?"

Beth: "I knew you where good, but this, it’s...it’s..."

Jim: "Ha ha, Beth’s speechless. Only you could manage that (kiss)"

Helen: "Thank you, thank you all. What do you lads think of it?"

Cryto: "Er, not much to be honest. It’s completely Crap"

Denzo: "Yeah, its shite, just like all your others. Watch this, you old bag!"

<- Cryto and Denzo rip up the painting. Every one looks astonished ->

S C E N E 0 2

<- Benito and Cathy Alessi are talking about having another baby ->

 

Benito: "Look, I don’t want another f**king baby."

Cathy: "Ow, now my little cherub, don’t over-react."

Benito: "Read my lips, I DON`T WANT ANOTHER f**kING KID."

Cathy: "Oh Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Oh BOO HOO HOO."

Benito: "Look, there’s a reason we can’t have another kid."

Cathy: "Oh yes. And what’s that?"

Benito: "I had a vasectomy!"

Cathy: "What!! And you never told me, you ..."

Benito: "CATHY, I’ve er, got to tell you something else too."

Cathy: "And what’s that Benito?"

Benito: "Remember that wild party we went to when we where both 16?"

Cathy: "What, the one where you insisted everyone at the party should buy tickets to East Malaysia?"

Benito: "Yes, yes, that’s the one."

Cathy: "What about it?"

Benito: "Well, you know you got really pissed?"

Cathy: "Yes, yes"

Benito: "Well, after we left the party, I took you home, and gave you a vasectomy too! I used the spoon set I had."

Cathy: "WHAT!!!! I.... I...."

<- All look astonished ->

S C E N E 0 3

<- Phoebe is looking depressed as humanly possible ->

 

Burke: "I know that look Phoebe, is there something wrong?"

Phoebe: "No. No, nothing."

Burke: "You can tell me Phoebe. Is it problems at school?"

Phoebe: "Er, well. Yes."

Burke: "What’s wrong? Too much hard work?"

Phoebe: "No, no. It’s the baby."

Burke: "What, is there something wrong with it?"

Phoebe: "No, no. Its just I’m getting some hassle from the school kids."

Burke: "What kind of hassle?"

Phoebe: "Well, Karl Schopier keeps kicking me in the baby. It really hurts!"

Burke: "Oh well. Just try and avoid him."

<- Toby bursts in, after overhearing the conversation ->

 

Toby: "Don’t worry, Phoebe. If anyone hassles you, they’ll have ME to deal with!"

Phoebe: "Thanks, Toby."

<- Cryto and Denzo burst in after overhearing the conversation ->

 

Cryto: "f**k off Toby, you’re a pissy little wimp."

Denzo: "Yeah, you little knob head. Take this.

<- Cryto and Denzo beat Toby up. Every one looks astonished ->

S C E N E 0 4

<- Philip Martin is talking to Hannah Martin ->

 

Philip: "How’s school, button?"

Hannah: "Its OK, but this girl bullies me."

Philip: "What’s her name, button?"

Hannah: "Julie."

Philip: "Why does she bully you, button?"

Hannah: "I don’t know. I used to like her but now I don’t."

Philip: "Why don’t you try to make friends with Julie again, button?"

Hannah: "Coz I hate Julie now, She’s a selfish cow!"

Philip: "What do you mean `coz (Philip’s wife - Julie - bursts in) I hate Julie, she’s a selfish cow’?"

Julie: "Well, if that’s what you think of me, then I’m getting a divorce. Goodbye for ever Philip."

Philip: "But....But...."

<- Philip starts to cry and hit Hannah. Every one looks astonished ->

S C E N E 0 5

<- Rick Alessi is in the Coffee shop, talking about a bike race. ->

 

Rick: "Yeah, man, I’m going to win the bike race."

Jim: "I’m entering that too. I’ll beat you easily!"

Rick: "What, you, you old decrepit man of 90? Hahaha, That’s as funny as a WOMAN entering."

Dot: "Don’t me sexist, Rick, women are better when it comes to stamina."

Rick: "No they’re not. Men are much better than women. Women are crap."

Dot: "What about after a shag? Last time I shagged Jim, he just went to sleep straight afterwards. No stamina I tell you! Oooops..."

<- Everyone looks astonished ->

S C E N E 0 6

<- Julie is over at Cameron’s, talking about a divorce ->

 

Julie: "So, Cameron, I want a divorce, and I want custody of the children, and custody of the house, and custody of the car, but I’ll let Philip have the toaster."

Cameron: "But don’t you think you’re flying off the handle a bit?"

Julie: "No, no no. And that’s final. I want you to start it straight away. Make it unreversable. Byeeee"

Cameron: "But, but... Oh well."

<- Cameron looks astonished ->

S C E N E 0 7

 

Benito: "Oh shit. What’s this? Gaby. GAAAAAABY!"

Gaby: "Yes, Mr. Alessi, sir."

Benito: "What’s this? What does it mean?"

Gaby: "I.. I don’t know"

Benito: "Why not girl? What do I pay you for?"

Gaby: "To do the paperwork, actually."

Benito: "Oh, that’s alright then.... Where’s my computer expert?"

Gaby: "Er, I don’t think you have one sir..."

Benito: "Why not. Why not girl?"

Gaby: "Er, because you didn’t employ one maybe?"

Benito: "Yes. YES. Good thinking girl. Any idea what this GURU means?"

Gaby: "Maybe it’s a virus, sir."

Benito: "Hmmm. Yes. YES. Good thinking girl. It’s a virus. So what do I do?"

Gaby: "I don’t know, sir."

Benito: "Why not. WHY don’t you know, Gaby? What do I pay you for?"

Gaby: "Look, slap head. We’ve been through this. I’m off for lunch. Byeee."

Benito: "Oh. OK."

<- In a rage, Benito hits the filing cabinet, which dislodges a piece of paper which floats to the floor. ->

 

Benito: "Hmm, what’s this? (He reads it). Josh. 3463 7594. I’ll ring this."

Phone: "Hello.3463 7594."

Benito: "Hello, is, er, Josh there please?"

Phone: "No, I’m afraid he isn’t here. He’s off to Erinsborough. He forgot something there when he left. He’s very fond of his toothbrush, you know. Bye. "

Benito: "Oh."

<- Door knocks ->

 

Benito: "Come in, come in."

Josh: "Oh. hi. Where’s Paul?"

Benito: "He naffed off to Italy or something. Who are you?"

Josh: "I’m Josh. I don’t suppose you’ve seen a toothbrush lying around?"

Benito: "No, but what does this GURU screen mean?"

Josh: "Oh. That’s a virus. I’ll fix it easily. Just get me a shoe box painted black that I can use as a modem, and a disk scanner."

Benito: "OK, here’s one that just happened to be lying around."

Josh: "Right, now come back in 6 hours. I’ll soon have this virus fixed."

<- Pazzo and Shago suddenly burst in ->

 

Pazzo: "Look, losers, a "GURU" is when the computer crashes because of a hardware/software fault."

Shago: "Yeah, like this modulator. Who connected the light switch to it? It won’t do the computer any good you know."

Josh: "Don’t listen to them, I know what I’m talking about, and I’ve got the fastest sho..modem in the world. Its 196 BPS you know. Best in the world. Even IBM hasn’t got any of these babes. Its too fast for IBM you know."

Pazzo: "Oh shut up you whining little twat."

Shago: "Yeah, cop this you little git."

<- Pazzo and Shago beat Josh up. Every one looks astonished ->

S C E N E 0 8

<- Lou and Madge are on an Aeroplane, with 498 passengers, when suddenly ->

 

Captn: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh."

Crew: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh."

Lou: "Madge. MADGE. Did you hear that?"

Madge: "Hear what, darling?"

Lou: "That `Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh?’"

Madge: "What `Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh?’"

Lou: "Madge. I can detect something. I’m not getting any psychic rays from the cabin. Something’s wrong. I’m going to explore."

<- Lou finds the entire staff on the aeroplane dead. Due to induced mass group cardiac arrest. And the radio’s not working. ->

 

Lou: "MADGE! Come here, come here."

Madge: "What’s wrong Lou?"

Lou: "They’re all dead. Tell the rest of the plane."

<- Madge tells all the plane what has happened. All look astonished. ->

 

Madge: "Oh, Lou, what are we going to do? I don’t want to die."

Lou: "I don’t know, love. Hmm. Maybe. Just maybe..."

Madge: "What.. what is it Lou, have you got a plan."

Lou: "Yes. Yes, I do believe I have, love."

Madge: "Well. What is it?"

Lou: "Remember Jos, Madge?"

Madge: "Yes..."

Lou: "Well one day when I was round the Robinson’s, I can remember him playing an Aeroplane game;F-19 Settee fighter, or something, and he let me have a go on it."

Madge: "And...and...and...and...and....and...and....and.....and..."

Lou: "I think I can remember what the controls where. I know how to fly this kite!!"

Madge: "Yes. Hooray. Come on darling, lets do it."

<- Lou successfully lands the plane, and everyone looks astonished->

S C E N E 0 9

<- Julie is one side of the road, Helen is the other->

 

Julie: "Helen. Heleeeeeeeeeen!"

Helen: "<Whispering> Oh shit, its her. <Shouting> Hello Julie!"

Julie: "I have something to tell you, gran."

<- Julie starts to run over the road. A car approaches her at 3 miles per hour. When the car is 4 feet away from her, the TV cuts to a picture of Ramsey street and the birds are tweeting. Then it cuts to Julie lying in the road with no apparent injuries, or no visible bleeding ->

 

Helen: "Julie. Oh Julie, please don’t die."

Driver: "She, she just ran straight out in font of me. I, I couldn’t stop."

<- Pam walks round the corner. Oh slap my thighs, what a coincidence ->

 

Pam: "Oh my god. What happened."

Helen: "She got knocked down. Oh Pam, will she be alright."

Pam: "Have you called an ambulance?"

Helen: "No, no."

Pam: "Then get one. NOW!"

<- The driver runs off to find a box ->

 

Helen: "What’s wrong with her. Is anything broken?"

<- Pam touches Julie’s forehead. ->

 

Pam: "She’s unconscious, and she’s broken 4 ribs, and crushed both her lungs!! Shell die soon."

Helen: "Oh no. The ambulance will come to late won’t it?"

Pam: "Yes, I’m afraid it will. There’s nothing we can do new Helen."

Helen: "Are you sure? Can’t you help poor Julie."

<-Bouncer walks round the corner ->

 

Pam: "Hmmm. Maybe... Just maybe...Helen. HELEN, I think I can save her."

Helen: "How?"

Pam: "Bouncer! Come here boy. Come on. Now lie down."

Helen: "What are you going to do?"

Pam: "Even though I’m a poultry nurse, I can probably hook up bouncers breathing system to Julie’s, and let bouncer breath for them both."

<- Pam hooks up Bouncer to Julie, using some knitting needles, and some plastic tubing from Brads technical Lego™ set. ->

Pam: "I only hope it works...."

<-Cue the neighbours theme tune. ->

 

Will Julie live. Can Bouncer breath for two. Who is the mysterious car driver, and will the rest of Ramsey street have an excuse to show there exceptionally crap emotional acting bits? (Especially Jim.) Who cares anyway? I don’t...