NIGHTMARE ON RAMSEY STREET

Isn't Neighbours crap? No sex, no violence and now no Harold Bishop. I hate every character except Harold and what do the bastards do? Kill him. Well, here is my version of Neighbours. Its got sex in it. Its got violence in it. But best of all, its got Harold in it! I intend to send a copy of this to Grundy TV in Australia. I'm sure they'll want to film it... NOT!

Scene 1:  (Dusk. A beach in Melbourne. Brad runs down the beach into the sea with his surfboard.)

Brad:  Duh, like wow!

(He splashes about for a bit. Cut to underwater view of Brad's legs. We move closer until we suddenly cut to the surface. Brad is grabbed by something.)

Brad:  Oh wow! Strewth! (A vast amount of blood gushes upwards as the thick shit is torn apart, a bit like in Jaws. f**k copyrights. I'm plagiaristic (look it up thicky!) and I’m proud of it. Anyway, the twat is dead).

Scene 2:  (The church. Reverend Richard's is tidying up the hymn book or something else vicar-like.)

Rev:      (singing) And did those feet in ancient time, oooh, tie me kangaroo down sport, tie me kangaroo down, f**k a wallaby, tie me aaaargh! Strewth! (He is grabbed by a pair of inhuman, powerful arms and dragged into the bell rope room knocking over a candle as he is dragged away, setting fire to some tapestries. The church bell can be faintly heard. We move into the bell rope room and see the Rev strung up by the neck, dead, bobbing up and down in time with the bell. Sick or what? Cut to outside shot of church. We see the thing. We pan round to its face . It is Harold Bishop, but he is now a hideous zombie. So no change there (arf!). There is a flash of lightning and the church explodes f**king Grundy TV's budget up.)

 

Scene 3: (Doug's pickup truck driving along a deserted lane. Close-up of Doug. It is raining. Flashes of lightning. How original. Doug turns on the radio. We hear Rolf Harris singing his bestiality and sadism song. Suddenly Doug turns a bend and we see Harold in the headlights. Doug swerves but Harold has already hurled an iron railing through the windscreen and into his eye and through his brain, cracking the back of his skull with a loud CRACK. Ha ha! I'm enjoying this.)

Scene 4: (The Bishop's living room. Brenda and Guy are sitting on the sofa. Enter Madge.)

 

Brenda: Strewth! Madge, honey! How are yer me old kangaroo?

Madge: Just a minute Brenda. Who's this?

Brenda: Er, um, strewth.

Guy: Hi Madge! I'm Brenda's nephew, Guy. I'm staying here for a while, if its alright with you, that is.

 

Dorothy:  Strewth!

Harold:     Quite...

 

Jim:         Strewth! I must creosote my shed soon.

Lucy: (Phooar! I'd give her one!) Jeez, dad. Your such an old person.

Josh: (He'd give her one too. In fact I think he will later). Aw, Mr Robinson's alright. Strewth!

Todd: (He might give her one later as well, I think...) Yeah, leave uncle "Boring Bastard" Jim alone. He can't help being dull. Strewth!

Jim:         Yeah, Lucy. I've had enough of your behaviour, young lady!

Lucy: (Leaving room). He says that every f**king episode.

Scene 9: (Paul's house)

 

Paul: Aw, come on, Christina!

Christina: (from upstairs). Coming dear husband. (screams).

Paul: Darling? Darling!? (Christina's severed head rolls down the stairs into the middle of the floor, followed by Caroline's.)

Paul: Strewth! Which one's which? (Joke.) (Cut to Harold’s view, approaching Paul from behind. Paul is grabbed from behind and a carving knife is rammed into his heart. I always hated that bastard!)

Harold: Don't take it to heart, Paul. (Turns to camera). Freddy, eat your heart out!

 

Lucy: Strewth! Oh, strewth! F**k me Todd, fill me with your sp**k! Oh, oh! (Not bad considering she's got a c**k in her mouth!)

Todd: Strewth Luce! I'm gonna sp**k!

Josh: Strewth! So am I! (Todd bucks faster, Josh pulls his c**k out of Lucy's mouth and sp**ks on her face.)

Scene 11: (Jim's room. Jim is f**king seven bells out of Helen. Helen is asleep.)

 

Jim: Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! I must remember to creosote my shed. Perhaps I should use a 3 inch brush...

Helen: Zzzzzz.

Josh: Strewth! My nob has been cleft in twain! (The three are showered with Josh's blood. Lucy screams.)

Lucy: Strewth! (She is silenced as Harold slams Jim's sledgehammer into her face causing her brains to fly out of her ears as her head is crushed.)

Harold: I suppose you youngsters would call that a mind blowing experience. Ahh, yes. (Harold reaches for Todd, who yells "Strewth ". Harold misses him but his inhuman strength enables him to pick up the wardrobe and slam Todd into the wall with it. Todd is crushed, his bones splinter everywhere. Josh is slowly dying on the floor for loss of blood. Ha ha. Harold wields his knife above Josh's head.)

Harold: I hate to see anyone suffer. (He hacks Josh's head off with two strokes. Lots and lots of blood splatters on the walls. Josh liked computers so I suppose Harold is a computer hacker! Arf!)

Harold: There. I've put you out of your misery. Ah yes. (Harold lurks into the living room. He opens the writing desk and finds Jim's gun. I expect he's got one. I don't care if he doesn't. I don't give a f**k!)

Harold: Ah! How useful, (He opens Jim's door.)

Jim: (Unaware of Harold.) Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! I could use Cuprinol or maybe Salodin. How about a 4 inch brush?

Helen: Zzzzzz. (Harold opens fire, emptying all six rounds into the back of Jim's head. Jim bucks and shakes as each bullet splinters his skull and makes his brain go splat all over the wall. Lovely! Helen wakes up.)

Helen: Oh! Yes! Jim! Faster! Faster! (Harold clubs her unconscious and drags her into the kitchen.)

Harold: Come on, you interfering old cripple. (He lays her on the floor and turns the gas oven full on. After 30 seconds Harold picks up a box of matches and lurches out of the kitchen.)

Harold: As you often said: I think there's something burning in the kitchen. (He lights a match. There is a huge explosion. Harold lurches out unharmed. Helen fries. Ha ha)

Scene 13: (Madge's house)

 

Brenda: Strewth. I'd better go on down to the coffee shop for no reason whatsoever.

Madge: OK Brenda.

Brenda: (Closing door) Christ, she sounds like a blocked drain in a rainstorm. Strewth!

Scene 14: (Outside the Mangles house. The van pulls up. Joe and Melanie get out. They are pissed.)

 

Joe:       Come on in Mel. I'm gonna give you a good f**king!

Melanie: Strewth! Yes please! (Emits stupid squeal.)

Scene 15: (Inside the house. It is dark. The front door opens. We hear Joe speaking.)

 

Joe:         I'm gonna sp**k on your face, Mel!

Melanie: (Laughs like a hyena.) And my tits! (Joe turns on the light. Melanie screams! Toby and Bouncer are sitting on the sofa, but their heads have been neatly sliced off and swapped over!)

Joe & Mel: (together) Strewth!

Joe: Sky! Where's Sky? (We hear the blender switch on in the kitchen and Sky screams .)

Joe: Strewth! (They rush into the kitchen and find the blender with Sky's legs going round and round in it. Various bits are flying out as it spins. Melanie screams and swallows Sky's eyeball. Nice!)

Melanie: Strewth, GULP!

Joe: Shit! What mongrel could have done this? (Note: I have a lovely dog who is a mongrel. Joe's use of the word has pissed me off many times. I will see to it that he has a horrible, horrible death!)

Melanie: Try outside.

Joe: OK. (He looks outside and instantly his face is sliced like bacon by the blades of a flymo mower held by, guess who? Yes! Its... Harold!)

Harold: (sings) How many kinds of sweet flowers grow in an Aussie crappy garden?

Melanie: (screams) Oh gee! Unreal! Harold's alive! (What a thick bitch. I always hated that f**king laugh. Can you imagine f**king her and her having an orgasm? It'd sound like the death of a seation with whooping cough. But enough of this banter. On with the unnecessary violence.)

Harold: Ah yes. Hello Melanie, or should I say goodbye Melanie? (With his left hand he produces a hedge strimmer. Melanie screams and falls to the floor in a dead faint. Harold starts up the hedge strimmer and rams it down her throat.)

 

Brenda: Strewth! Its Harry.

Harold: My name is Harold, although that doesn't matter to you now, or it won't soon. (He shoves her head under the top of the cappuccino machine and turns it on. Brenda is scalded and burnt to buggery. She scream a bit and thrashes about a bit, but she dies soon and our hero leaves her body lying under the running tap. What a bastard! What a monster! What a bloody great chap!)

 

 

Harold: Heeeeere's HAROLD!

Guy: Strewth! Who's the fat old c**t?

Harold: I'll give you fat, young man. (With these words he starts hacking at Guy, chopping off his arms, legs, then finally his head. I'll put this bit in slow motion when Grundy TV put me in charge of the production. Harold lurches over to Madge's bedroom and kicks the door in cos he's well hard like that.)

Harold: Hi, honey! I'm home!

Madge: Grntgrrmpgrindgrind (Note: This is Madge screaming!)

Harold: After all these weeks dear! Surely you've got a hug for me?

Madge: You're not Harold. You're NOT Harold! Harold's dead! (Note: I'll subtitle this and all of Madge's lines when I get put on TV)

Harold: Yes! I'm dead! And it's your fault! You pushed me in didn't you, Madge? You knew about the $1/4 million insurance, didn't you? You got all your neighbours to help cover it up, didn't you! DIDN'T YOU! Well, I've dealt with all the others, even Lou Carpenter, oh, yes, the police will find him in a litter bin in Brisbane. In six litter bins in fact. (Madge has made her way to the bedside table. She grabs a small gun and fires all 6 rounds at Harold's chest. They bounce off. Stupid bitch.)

Harold: Your bullets cannot harm me! My zip-up cardigan is like a shield of steel! And now, my darling your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this and hello to oblivion. (Yes. I know it's plagiarism, Rocky Horror fans, but as I said before: I dinna give a f**k!! Harold produces the hammer. Dorothy's eye is still on the end.)

Harold: Ooops! Must make it clean for you! (He bites off the eyeball and swallows it!)

Harold: Lovely! Perhaps vegetarianism was a bad idea. Now! I'm going to cure your throat! (He grabs Madge by the neck and gouges out her larynx. Lots and lots of blood as usual. Madge dies.)

Harold: Time, I think, for a nice cup of herbal tea. Ah, yes!

(End titles. Music.)

 

Crocker: Neighbours, everybody needs AARRGH!

Harold: Awful rock music!