WHEN THE MARTIANS LAND IN HUDDERSFIELD

 

When the Martians land in Hudderfield,

I'll tell you what we'll do,

We'll grab the little green buggers

And show 'em a thing or two.

Do they think they can come here, pinchin'

Our women and our jobs?

We'll make 'em work on the buses

With the rest of the bloomin' Frogs.

That's what we'll do, that's what we'll do.

Captain's log, Stardate 20098. The Martians' spacecraft, Gatkis, left Mars this morning en route for the planet Earth. Our mission to boldly go where no five-legged; three eyed creatures had been before except Yates' Wine Lodge Manchester.

The crew myself Captain Kak, Doctor Shmuck, Spotty, Corporal Ahooya Hooya, Sergeant Itchinakas, and Lieutenant Hitachi - God bless you!

According to the ship's computer, Earth is the third planet in the Solar System. Life forms: animal and vegetable and draught Bass. The dominant life form is a biped mammal called Man, composed mainly of wind and water. Man reproduces by taking his outer skin off and jumping up and down and shouting "fork!"

When the Martians land in Hudderfield,

I'll tell you what we'll do,

We'll grab the little green buggers

And give 'em some British food -

Plastic Wimpys, frozen chips,

And a pint of Watney's beer.

Three weeks of that, they'll feel so bad,

They'll bugger off home, no fear.

That's what they'll do, that's what they'll do.

Captain's log, Stardate 2099, change hands. There was trouble at breakfast-time this morning when Doctor Shmuck ate one of Corporal Ahooya Hooya's eggs. The Corporal was very upset because she'd only just laid it. According to the ship's computer, the planet Earth is ruled by older members of the species with ulcers, piles and fading memories. We Martians find if strange that people so near the end of their lives should be allowed to cock it up for all those who come after them.

The people of planet Earth also worship a dull yellow metal called Gold. Gold is found buried deep in the bowels of the Earth. Poor men spend all their lives digging it up to give it to the rich men, who the bury it back in bank vaults deep in the bowels of the Earth. Something nobody seems to find strange.

Some people on Earth are kept locked up for long periods of time without food or drink and are shaken about in extremes of cold and heat unmercifully. This is called British Rail.

When the Martians land in Hudderfield,

I'll tell you what we'll do,

We'll give them all the rotten jobs

Like cleaning out the loos,

Once you let a couple in,

The rest'll be here right nippy,

Before you know what's happened

We'll be covered with Martian chippys.

That's what they'll do, that's what they'll do.

According to universal records in God's library, the Spacecraft, Gatkis, made a planetfall in a place called England, a small island in the cold northern hemisphere of the planet once a powerful nation, now sublet to American, Japanese and Arab interest.

It landed at a place called Manchester, at a place called Old Trafford, on a Saturday afternoon where at that moment a friendly match was taking place between Manchester United and Glasgow Celtic. Due to a lack of foresight on the part of engineers, the spacecraft was the exact shape, size, colour and dimensions as a can of McEwan's Export India Pale Ale.

A drunken Manchester united supper saw the spacecraft land, picked it up, pulled off the control tower and the energizer ring, and drank the entire contents. Just before he died he turned to his friend and said: "It taste just like Martian's pee!"

When the Martians land in Hudderfield,

I'll tell you what we'll do,

We'll grab the little green buggers

And show 'em a thing or two.

Do they think they can come here, pinchin'

Our women and our jobs?

We'll make 'em work on the buses

With the rest of the bloomin' Frogs.

That's what we'll do, that's what we'll do.